The most requested thing for dinner around here? Noodles. With butter.

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Letters I don't want to write.

Dear USPS,
We had a deal, didn't we?  I filled out the forms, and you said you would forward my snail mail.  So where is it?  I mean, I got a couple of pieces, but lately... ?  Are you guys just keeping it and having fun with it?  Making paper airplanes? I don't care about the ads, but I really need that AMEX card so I can learn the new expiration date.

Dear AMEX,
I get that you won't tell me the new expiration date over the phone, but is there any way at all you could give me a hint?  My card expires in 2 days and I have some recurring automatic withdrawal financial obligations that need to be fulfilled.  Inquiring minds want to know!

Dear T-Mobile,
I know it isn't your fault that my parents live in an area that has no service to my cell phone, I'm just not happy about it and I wanted you to know.

Dear Comcast,
Really?  It takes 3 to 9 days to switch my email address from my old address to my parents?  Wow, that's some kind of 20th century technology there.

Dear people/businesses who are trying to send me emails,
Sorry.  Don't give up on me, it will work soon.  I think...

Dear Bank of America,
Love you guys.  No, really.  I pray every day that God won't strike you dead for your questionable foreclosure/mortgage/short sale practices. (Bonuses to the employees who meet the foreclosure quotas?  Are you kidding me?)
So... since everyone else in America hates you and my prayers and I are the only things that stand between you and certain death, I think you ought to seriously consider my offer on the short sale.  After all, it's 94.4% of the appraisal (which has some flaws in it), it's the only decent offer you have received, and the house has been sitting vacant for over a year.  Why not sell it to me and get it off your books?  I'll still pray for you.  Promise.

Love and kisses,
Homeless me.

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